TIPS FOR DATING NERDY BLACK GIRLS

A Tweeting Black Girl Nerd

For a Nerdy Girl, what's worse than being seen as a unicorn? A rare species, only thought of as a Myth by the world that surrounds them?  I tell you what is worse.  Being a species that even the unicorns think are a myth - Black Unicorns.  A black girl or women that is a nerd to the core.  Even in the geek community, this combination of Black+Girl+Nerd is almost seen as an oxymoron.  And to set the record straight, I'm not trying to say Unicorns are White (or other) girls and black Unicorns are Black girls.  They are all unicorns by mainstream standards.  Just wanted to give an analogy.

The general stereotypes that Black Women have to deal with are that they are - angry, loud, video vixens, curvy sex objects.  Even when a black girl is shy or introverted, the last thing the general population might label her with is being Nerdy.

I started the twitter tag #BlackGirlNerdDatingTips on a whim.  My friend Jamie of Blackgirlnerds.com runs a Jem and the Holograms live tweet every Saturday night at 7pm est. (#JemLiveTweet). If you don't know what Live Tweeting is, then unlike me you probably have a productive life.  Jamie, on the other hand, can multitask like a gangster.

Anyway, as the live tweeting was coming to a close I thought to myself "What would a guy have to know in order to date a Black Girl that was Nerdy?"  I started the hashtag just to see what would happen.  For those that don't know, hashtags are searchable topics on twitter that let you be part of a conversation, joke or rant. That's how live-tweeting a show or film works also.  Of course I included @blackgirlnerds in my tweets because if Jamie picked it up, I knew it would snowball.  I also wanted to see what kind of answers my sisters of geekdom would come up with.

What I didn't anticipate was the self-love, community love, and support that the tag would generate among the nerdettes. I'm not taking credit for this.  I'm marveling that such a simple thing could be an avenue of expression and release of frustration to the myths and bias assumptions the world thinks about black women.  The sentiments of the women were "I'm not settling for ..." and "This is what I like! Deal or Step!". It wasn't nasty, but fun and cynical at the same time.  It was a filter that said if you wanted to date them, this is what they were about.  And what they were about was everything from Dragon Ball Z to Action Figure collecting to Finishing Anime Quotes.  It was more than an opportunity to joke about dating tips.  It became a road to sharing and validating themselves to each other, to non-geek guys, and to everybody else out there.

Many ladies said it was an important tag, and that type of response I was not expecting.  I read tweets like "one of the best Tags ever" and "I had a bad day but #BlackGirlNerdsDatingTips made it better."  Being able to be a part of something that made a person feel better is its own reward.

Trending on twitter isn't a big thing for the most part.  It's when a hashtag topic is being tweeted so much that Twitter moves it up the ranks of suggestions to tweet about.  Then other people see it and join in the conversation.  I will admit, I was proud that it trended (with the help of Jamie), but also because a bunch of Black Nerdy Girls were giving themselves a voice that others could hear.

The best thing for me was the comedic quality to the whole thing.  Even though there was a serious layer behind it, the tweets were just pure entertainment to all involved.  And yeah, reading all those tweets from my sisters of color getting their nerd full-on had me developing about a hundred+ twitter crushes in the six hours it was trending.

I want more hashtags now.  I want more events and media coverage for my Nerdy Black Sisters that are unique, hilarious, loving and spirited.  There is no difference between them and anybody else that wants to be understood and accepted for who they are. It's a general struggle for geeks everywhere, Black Girl Nerds have it even harder.

HERE ARE THE #BlackGirlNerdDatingTips TWEETS THAT I COLLECTED THROUGH STORIFY.

How Senses Can Mislead You to Picking that Right Geek!

 MAYBE THE PROBLEM IS YOUR SENSES WOLVERINE!.

I hear all the time about someone that says they always choose the wrong person.  They initially get attracted to somebody, but then find out that person didn't have what they were looking for, i.e. a heart. There are many reasons that one can choose the right or wrong person to date.  But when it comes to the senses, there is one clear cut purpose - Find the best person to reproduce with.  Is that why Wolverine can't find a decent girl?

A geek has to be extra careful about what their body is telling them when they are attracted to a guy or a girl.  Sure we want to be with someone that's really attractive.  But the average geek or nerd needs a bit more intellectual and nerdy stimulation than the common troglodyte.  So geeks and nerd have to circumvent some of the signals that their eyes, ears, nose and skin are telling them about the hunk or hottie they're trying to talk to.

I recently watched a documentary on Netflix called THE SCIENCE OF SEX APPEAL.  It was a little dated, but not more than the evolutionary traits that drive us to choose a mate.  Let me break down some of the eye opening information they dropped in the film.

THE OVULATING JAW LINE

Things that women biologically get attracted to are strong jaw lines, broad shoulders and a bravado when men walk.  This impulse is especially intense when a woman is ovulating. During this time, a woman's body is set to mate with an Alpha male on a physical level.  But a geek probably would find it more fulfilling to have an Alpha male on a mental level.  Well, the body doesn't speak geek, so fangirls may have to override their own visual signals so they make good choices for dates... and stuff. Ironically, the film also mentioned that outside of ovulation, women can be attracted to less 'manly' features, almost feminine in cases.

On the other side, Men find women that are ovulating more attractive because of subtle changes in their face and body.  The cheeks get more round and blush. The skin looks healthier, and I think the film said the breasts and hips get rounder.  Women might use this to their advantage, or they might like it when guys get attracted to them on their 'off time'.  And depending on what the woman (and the guy she meets) is comfortable with concerning sex on the cycle, it might not be the best time to Seal the Deal.  Of course, biologically it is the perfect time.

TESTOSTERONE AND ESTROGEN SPEAK TO THE EARS

Another topic from the film was how Testosterone and Estrogen change the body during puberty.  Other than physical traits, the hormones effect the vocal chords.  With more testosterone, men's voices get deeper.  The more the estrogen in a woman, the higher the voice.  Our brains actually look for deeper voices in men and higher voices in woman.  The pitch signals to us that those people along the lower and higher ranges are more suited to mate with.  It's pretty common knowledge that guys with deep voices make many women shake at the knees.  And everybody knows that woman come off more attractive with that innocent sounding feminine voice.  Now if you're a girl or a guy, and you want to use this biological mating trait to your advantage, i.e. sex, a ring, a car, a playstation 4... lower your pitch for a guy, or raise your pitch for a girl you are talking to.  If you're gay, try the reverse... I think.  Just remember that if you're on the receiving end of an attractive voice, don't let it sway you in making a wrong decision about a date or something. Use your well developed geek mind.

MONEY MAKE THE GIRL GO AROUND

Let me preface this by saying that I'm not calling all you sisters gold-diggers or anything. Even Mario coin gold-diggers.  But on a biological scale, power and leadership in a man are very attractive traits to a woman.  In the film, scientists did a comparison of men where women rated their looks from 1 to 10. Then they took the pictures and showed them to other women, but with fictitious yearly salaries next to them.  What they found was that a man with a higher salary moved up the rating scale from their previous rating.  And men with lower salaries moved down, even though they rated high.

If you use an analogy of animals, and how they battle for female attention, the reason why women are attracted to confidence is because it appears that the guy won some contest of ability against another male.  In the human world, women might not even be interested in the competition itself, but just in the victor.  But I'm thinking in the geek world, women are just as attracted to the competition.  A video game, a Star Trek vs. Star Wars debate, or a LARPing campaign could be a turn-on just as much as the guys playing them. Especially if the ladies are a part of the competition.  To me, that's the perfect situation.

Strictly on a biological scale, a woman looks for a man that has the power to provide.  But If a geek is using their head, they will look for power represented in the geek universe. That could be I.Q., knowledge of Doctor Who, or just being a leader of other geeks.  Or maybe the woman isn't attracted to those alpha qualities at all, but just to the heart, mind and soul of a guy.  Be mindful and don't let your biological reactions to a guy's financial prowess mislead you to a bad move when it comes to finding somebody attractive.

And also for the guys, you should embrace whatever area that you are the winner in. And walk a walk exudes the confidence you receive from that winning environment.

SENSE DO THE TALKING, LET YOUR GEEK DO THE WALKING

Now if you geeks are just looking for a quick game of ROUND 1: SEX, then by all means, follow your instincts and the qualities you are attracted to.  Just don't get yourselves hurt in the process.

There's nothing wrong with being attracted to a person on a physical level.  Our bodies are part of who we are. We're humans, or homo-superior for some of you.  You still have millions of years of DNA development that's telling you (or screaming) that you should pick guy or girl A over guy or girl B.  Overcome some of that genetic chatter with some mental chatter of your own.  Take in the person you're attracted to as a whole and look at them as a complete person.  I'm talking to you fellas and well as the ladies.  I've seen you nerd and geek guys get all flustered when you see a hot gamer or comic empress walk into the shop.  Take control of those 5 alarm fires that are your body's signals telling you that it is time to have sex.  Strike up a casual conversation without being pushed to get some.  A little goes a long way.

And to the lady geeks, give yourselves time to listen to the words a brother has to say, and not if his deep Barry White vocals knock you out like Blackbolt just said something to you.  And there is nothing wrong with a strong jaw line, but it's even better for you intellectual sisters to find that strong mind.  Don't let your body make you pass up on an opportunity to get to know someone that can give your a more meaningful relationship down the road.

Side note: The only thing I didn't appreciate about the film is that they only seemed to be using caucasians for testing.  There were a couple of brothers and sisters of color in the speed-dating segment, but for the most part attraction was being tested on white faces and bodies.  Actually I'm partially wrong.  They references an African tribe that uses speech to attract mates.  And a Latin group to reference female attraction to guys with nice cars.  You know, maybe we need our own Science of Sex Appeal documentary.  But biology doesn't have much color built into it.  The science was still interesting.

How to Handle Criticism! From Family, Friends and Geeks.

STOP CRITICIZING ME HUDSON!

If you look at a lot of science fiction films, where a group of people are in danger, you will always see that one character that has something to say about the how the leader is leading the group.  Or you have the guy that's trying to build the next space warp engine, but everybody is saying it can't be done.  We may not be fighting aliens everyday, but there are many days when we are just minding our business, trying to create or produce something, and a person passes by and says "You're doing it wrong."

We get hit with criticism all the time.  Especially if we're doing something that's creative and takes vision.  Ironic that it is called 'vision', because often people have trouble seeing it.  Anyway, you could get criticism from your neighbor over how you cut the lawn "You're not doing it Right." Geeks are probably the worst to get criticism from. Yeah, we know a lot, but it doesn't mean we know everything.

Most of the time our natural instinct is to react against criticism with a negative response -"You don't know what you're talking about."  Or you might give an excuse as to why you're doing something the way you choose to do it. The excuse might be valid, but if it is just your knee-jerk reaction to people when they criticize you, then you may be missing an opportunity for improvement.

WHEN IT IS NOT A CRITICISM

The difference between a criticism and a critique is that criticisms are usually some type of shallow advice.  People that criticize don't highlight any problems you may have in your work, and don't leave you with suggestions that help you reach your goal.  Critiques on the other hand give you advice that you can use.

One way to turn a criticism into a critique is to ask the person "What do you mean?"  Initially that will help any negative reactions you might have.  It gives you time to think about what was said.  Second, you might get the advice you need to improve your work or project.  Those 4 simple words can change the conversation, and possibly the success of your work. Now if that person can't explain their criticisms, which is usually the case if they are just hating, tell them that it's not much of a help if they can't say what's wrong.  After that you can pull out your official HATER stamp.

CRITIQUE THE CRITIC

As people explain the problem they see in your work, ask yourself if the criticism or critique is coming from a place of knowledge, experience or emotion.  Think about how much this person knows about the artistry or skills needed for your project.  Does he or she have more experience than you with this kind of work?  Or is this person bothered by what you are doing or how you are doing it?  Are they speaking from a place of fear that something will turn out wrong?  Are they embarrassed that you are doing something different and you might look... foolish? God forbid you embarrass them in the process.  Or are they concerned because they have done it before and want you to learn from their mistakes? Depending on what you conclude, you can console them or ignore them.  Just make sure they explain to your satisfaction.  In that way, you both will realize if they are speaking from ignorance, emotion or experience.

THERE'S A LITTLE GOLD IN THE ROCKS

One of the important things is make sure you aren't dismissing something that might help you, even though the criticism may be hard to take.  There may be a little gold in all that dirt that's being kicked at you.  Don't let your pride pay the price for a failed or sub par project that might have been successful.  If a criticism is hard to take, respond, but let it sink in for a day or two.  Let the cream rise to the top.  This is especially good for those of us that just go against eeeeeeeverything that people say to us all the time.  I get like that sometimes.  Don't shoot yourself in the foot.

GET IT FROM THE REAL DEAL

If you want critiques, get them from experts.  Not your family, not your friends, not the brothers in the barbershop (unless it's about cutting hair obviously).  Don't ask someone about something they don't know about.  Because if they say your work is good, you're just getting a pat on the head from someone that cares about you.  And if they say your work is bad, they won't really know what the heck they are talking about.  An expert can see where your level is at, and how your work can progress or improve.  They can give you helpful tips instead of guesswork that 'sounds good.'

But even in the case of good critiques, sometimes we have to do things our way.  We are unique, and we may just do things different from how the world does it (that's another topic on how we are built).  Remember, there are times when we just have to do things the wrong way, but that might be the only way we can learn how to do it.

Don't let the haters get to you.  Find the gold in every criticism.  Don't let being offended get in the way of your success.

Funky Q' Review - NEWLYWEEDS (2013)

I don't know how many film reviews I'll post on BGM, because I concentrate on Black Geeks Meeting, or dating, or networking, or having relationships.  But I watch a lot a movies... and TV.  And if there's a film that I think Black Geeks would like, and would want to get together to watch, on like a movie date night or something, I'll be posting it here.  They won't necessarily be films featuring black actors, or even scifi, but most definitely they will be interesting to you geek brothers and sisters. I call this a Funky Q' Review because I didn't see it in theaters, so the film ended up in my queue.  By the way, it's on Netflix streaming (as of this posting).

NEWLYWEEDS - This film that caught my attention early last year.  I remember after watching the trailer how quirky and cute the story looked with two black leads playing a young coupling dealing with their ups and downs while getting high.

Lyle and Nina are a young people living together, working, enjoying life and love, and getting high. They love smoking weed and spending time telling each other their dreams.  But things start to go a little crazy when their devotion to their Mistress, Mary Jane, gets them thrown into life's troubles.

NEWLYWEEDS is light on drama, but also doesn't dip into many gags that a weed film might be known for.  Amari Cheatom and Trae Harris give good performances as the nonchalant Lyle and Nina.  The acting convinces us that they love each other, but makes us wonder if it's just the joints they share, or something deeper.  You're not sure where the relationship will go, especially with Lyle seemingly addicted not to the marijuana, but escapism.  It's a theme that culminates in the film.  The ending is a little artsy, but it was fitting.  Director Shaka King has a good sense of character, soft comedy and slice-of-life storytelling.