Supernatural Dating for Dummies

A Story By Shumara 'Illumeenous' Thomas

"Good Lawd!" I stood outside what could only be described as the thirteenth level of hell. No really. Living in the borough of Bed Stuy, I've seen a lot. Streets where you've got to avoid squishy used condoms like so many cracks in the sidewalk. Funky trash cans only to discover later someone's sister or son had been discarded in them like last night's leftovers. Brooklyn is a beautiful cacophony of urbanic renaissance culture and poverty stricken violence laid out on the table, a delicious casserole. This was far worse. The building before me sagged to the left, too tired to sit upright. Bricks had been haphazardly pulled out of its rotted pimple red side. The few sad windows all had gross green sewage? Trash? Dangit, some sort of putrid stains running down them. The front security door hung precariously off its hinges. By far, the BEST supernatural cover I'd seen to date. I had recently discovered upon inserting myself into the "supe" community that most of the rundown buildings throughout the five burroughs were trans-dimensional portals or spells to camouflage varying bars, clubs and eateries that humans weren't welcome in. This here though took the cake. And a bit of my lunch. Gross.

Seedy places don't really bother me. I'm usually the scariest thing lurking even though physically I'm no bigger than a postage stamp compared to most supernatural creatures. At 5'4", 110 lbs I could probably intimidate a smurf only if I wore steel toed boots . I prefer it this way. When creepy crawlies find out a petite black girl is the mixed breed mutant witch thingy stomping around; giving the Gods and the Unseelie Fairy Queen a run for their money, they tend to want to test boundaries. And jewel that I am, I have no qualms about enforcing my borders with dismemberment.

I picked my way around a bum laying in his vomit on the curb and walked up to the building; straining see the tiny ripple near the entry to signal where to push my power through. Hmmmm. I tentatively stretched out my hands to see if I could just crash through the spell and apologize later for ruining someone's handy work. Curiouser and curiouser. Ten infuriating minutes later I had to admit that there was no spell. That yes I, Lee, supernatural bad ass, had been invited to a shit hole for a blind date. Fml.

Normally this would be the part when I say I turned around and stalked my insulted ass home, muttering the entire way. So wrong. I owed a fire demon that felt I needed to quit the single life and settle down. No, I mean as in if someone had snitched on Darth and helped you save Alderon type owed. When someone helps you save a planet inhabited by millions of aliens you sit up and nod attentively. When a fire demon uses his ancient clout to refer you to a God to train you because literally every dang creature in the NYC area is gunning for you and your nerdy ass had never been in a fight before......not even with a human?  Well you pretty much say sure I'll meet his cousin's half demon son for a blind date. At a crack spot.....sigh, fml.

So knowing that I didn't have a choice, I scooted around the front door and did my best to avoid the biggest puddles of urine on the steps. I wasn't quiet sure which door to knock on until I saw a name written in Sharpie on one door on the fourth floor: Pepper. I had originally thought it was the name of the bar we were supposed to meet at.  I used a tissue I had to knock on the door. There was kelp and seaweed all around it, and some weird fungus that I wasn't willing to touch wiggling on the door knob. I knocked as gently as I could hoping no one would hear but lucky ole me, the door swung right open. Sprinkling a healthy dose of saltwater into my face. Yum.

Okay, I'm not really one for words right but I'm going to try my best to get this correct so listen closely. The best way I can describe this dude is to say what the basis of him was. Stay with me people. I'm going to say Cyclops. He was about 6'7". He had to stoop down to open the door or look at me for that matter. The eye was that startling bright blue with thick lashes. The kind girls shell out cash for. And there ends anything nice I could say. His black hair was in the stringy emo style where it fell into his gray, mottled face, uh eye...whatever. It had shellfish crawling around in it. But that wasn't as bad as the freakishly large gills he had protruding from the sides of his neck, leaking saltwater all over his dirty Ledd Zepplin tee and rotting jeans. Yes ladies and gentlemen, my blind date was a Cyclops fish hybrid. While you ponder on the implications of that tasty tidbit, I'm going to fast forward a bit because frankly some memories deserved to stay buried deep. Let's skip to the part where I've accepted my fate and gingerly sat at the roach yet somehow simultaneously dead catfish infested dinner table in the room-that-shall-not-be named where a candlelight dinner sat. Sat mere moments mind you because the water sloshing out his gills kept putting the candles out.

"Sooooo you and Kevin close," I ask. Kevin being the fire demon I planned on researching how to kill when I got home. No response.  "Umm have you lived here long?" No response. "You originally from NY?" More slow blinking. "Okaaay. Well I'm Lee by the way, and you are.." Dude just sits in the chair and stares at me, cheesing like a Cheshire cat. At least his teeth were nice, which was unnerving in its own right. I rolled my eyes heavenward and send up a prayer for strength and looked at the plates before us. Man I honestly don't know what it was. It was orange and it pulsated. There you go. At one point it moved and shot a tentacle at me and off instinct I shot it with a burst of power from my hand and exploded my plate. Orange crap on my new jacket. Winning!

"Do it again." I look up from wiping goo off my sleeves. Did he speak finally? "Excuse me," I asked. Cyclops was smiling lurridly at me. "That was so hot, do it again." "Do what?" He smiles and wiggles his eyebrows. "Use your powers. Be naughty. I like a girl with spunk." This idiot even licked his lips suggestively.

Ok, so this dude could talk? After not saying a word this entire time, now dude was chatty inappropriate ass Kathy.

"How about I don't, and instead you do something besides be creepy. That sounds more appealing to me." I flick the last orange goo near him and give him enough eyebrow for him to see I'm no longer amused.  One-eye groans and flicks his hair out of his eye, flinging more salt water at me.

" Dude can you not be disgusting for one moment? What the hell." It's been all of maybe 30 mins since this ride had started and I was ready to get off. Favors or not, Alderon was about to die. Screw them people.   One-eye frowned and tried to touch my hand.

"Don't be like that baby. I'm just trying to have fun. You don't like fun? Come sit over here by me."

It took all the home training my mother gave me not to assassinate him there on the spot.

"Please don't touch me," I managed to say between clenched teeth. "I don't know you."

One-eye flicked his tongue in and out at me, trying to look sexy with a sea urchin clinging to his nose. "Get to know me. It's what hotels are made for."

No way. "This is a hotel? Are you shitting me? You brought me to a hotel for a first date," I yelled. "A rank one at that!"

One-eye looked confused. "Yeah, I'm not bringing you to my place. Pretty certain my girl wouldn't dig that."

"You've got a girl friend?!" I smack my forehead,inadvertently poking myself in the damn eye with the hermit crab that had somehow attached itself to my sleeve. Now I probably had eye rot. "Shit," I muttered, holding my eye with one hand and rummaging around for some sanitizer in my purse with the other. But listen, now THIS is where the date goes from terrible to horrific on all accounts. Because while I'm trying to save my eye, One-eye starts gyrating at the table. Nope. You read that right. GYRATING.

"What the hell is your problem," I asked as I scampered back from the table, wanting no parts of whatever was going down.

"That is so hot!" You are so sexy," he squealed, leaning over the table. "Poke your eye again!"

Was I done you ask? Yup I was done. I got up, still holding my disease-ridden eye and grabbed my purse. "You are so lucky I can't kill you. Because I have never wanted to kill a living thing more than I do right now, at this very moment." I turned to storm out the hotel room haughtily  when I felt soggy meat on my arm. Ugh, I glanced back to have the immeasurable pleasure of seeing One-eye giving me a pained expression as he pointed to the massive boner in his jeans. Impressive, if he hadn't been sooooo  utterly repulsive.

"Baby, you're just going to leave me like this," he whined, pouting. Alderon? Meet fate. My weapon of choice is a machete. People tend to fear being cut more than shot, and the deity that served as my trainer had a thing for feeling the blood splash on him when he eviscerated his enemies. What can I say, he rubbed off on me some. I too prefer close quarters with my foes so Gretchen stays strapped to my back even with my powers. Mind you it's hard to carry a 32 inch machete around Manhattan so mine is spelled to shrink and appear when I call her name. I'd like to think he saw Gretchen coming when I severed his stupid head from his moronic body. He didn't bother to mention it because the entire time I carried his head to Kevin's pizza shop in Brooklyn, all he could sputter was how much of a dumb bitch I was. Fortunately demons can't be killed by physical weapons unless they're holy so I didn't have to break my "no killing my dates promise." Me? I felt awesome about how the date ended! Totally satisfied and seeing Kevin's face when I tossed One-eye's head into the industrial pizza oven where he was imprisoned? Priceless. Let's hope next Friday night packs as much excitement. Next time, I'll even get his name.

Graphic by Geek Soul Brother

Copyright 2013 Shumara Thomas

Podcasting: A Great Way To Meet Geeks Of Color

I started podcasting almost two years ago.  I loved it right from the start.  I'm an obsessive talker, so it was a natural fit. You can actually find my podcast(s) at Talkshoe.com. Anyway, it was a great way for my friends and I to get together each week and geek out over the latest news item or topic that we loved, like The Best Scifi Booty Calls 2.

In only a short time I started asking other people to join in as a special guest. They got to know us, and we got to know them more.  It's a great networking medium.  Podcasting is just very social and embracing.

FINDING FRIENDS YOU NEVER KNEW YOU HAD

In being a podcaster myself, naturally I like listening to others.   Actually I was listening to them for years now (thanks Hulkmad27).   As I was getting into the swing of podcasting, I started searching for other podcasts with people of color.   If you take the time to look, there are so many shows out there with black people talking about every topic you can think of.   Because of this I found THE BLACK GEEKS on Blogtalk Radio.  After listening to them, I started calling into their show.  Now I'm pretty much a regular.  But I don't want to tell you how I elbow my way into people's podcasts.  I'm letting you know that you can acquaint yourself with many geeks of color; men and women that talk every week about the stuff that most any geek and nerd loves to hear about.

IT'S A PODCAST PARTY

Let me paint you an even better picture of how listening, calling in, and even doing your own podcast can help black geeks or blerds come together.   I had found NERDGASM NOIRE NETWORK'S podcast months ago.  Five Geeks, Five Opinions, One Podcast.  They are a bunch of Crazy funny ladies that deliver a dish of Nerdalicious every week.   In listening to their archive shows, I could see the similarities between them and THE BLACK GEEKS.   Through my love for getting people together, and keeping the nerd party going, I had the idea of bringing these two podcasts together on my show.  If you want to hear what insane hilarity ensued CLICK HERE.  The point is, if it weren't for at least listening to, or starting my own podcast, I would most likely not have found such great geeks that I could connect with, and give opportunity for others to network also.  It absolutely destroys the feeling that you're an isolated black geek in the geek mainstream.

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE HOME

There is a cultural connection when I listen to THE BLACK GEEKS, SIDEBAR NATION, BROWNSKIN AND GLASSES, or BLACK GIRL NERDS that I don't find in the other podcasts I listen to.  It doesn't mean I don't enjoy my brother and sister podcasters from the other side of the melanin line, but there is a sense of home when you hear culture and nerdiness mixed together.  They feel like friends you never met before.  So if you haven't listened to a podcast, go to itunes, Stitcher Radio, Podcast Ally or Podomatic and just do a search for black geeks, black nerds, blerds or nerds of color.   Ask friends what they listen to.  If you find one you like, let them know you're listening and enjoying their show.  That means a lot to us podcast hosts.  Stay tuned for a post on how you too can start your own nerdy podcast, or any type you want.

Let's Get Social!

I'm the first one to tell you that I wasn't the social media flag bearer from the start. I was hesitant to jump into something that felt like it was opening up my personal life for the whole world to see. But then a friend created a myspace account for me and modern day phobias started to subside.

This same friend threatened to make a Facebook profile for me, but I beat him to it so as not to have him make me look like a nut or put Too Much Info on my page. We're still friends, but he can't touch any of my profiles, or action figures.
The social network that I embraced the most has been Twitter. If you haven't used twitter yet, it's probably because you have the same reservations that I did "What can you say in 140 character snippets?" I had a personal twitter account which I tried, but didn't use. Then, after I started blogging on the regular (geeksoulbrother.com) I created one for my site - @geeksoulbrother. Now I'm kicking myself for not diving into twitter much earlier than I did.

Let me back up a bit.  I'm a mix of introvert and extrovert.  Growing up, I didn't like big gatherings where it was expected to know everybody.  But then I would be loud and animated with close friends and enjoyed getting the attention.  Now, having walked the road of life for many miles, things have flipped.  I learned how to talk in crowds and gatherings, give speeches and presentations, and be able to spark up a discussion about current politics or the current superhero film (more the latter).

Social media was the next thing I had to conquer.  I mean, how was I going to start writing scripts, or develop media projects, or even start a blog if I was worried about what people thought of my writing and opinions?

I started with Facebook because, well they are suppose to be your family and friends, right?  If you can't sound stupid or crazy in front of them, who can you?  I found that people aren't as critical as one might think.  Of course that depends on how far you put yourself out there.  I tend to put myself out pretty far, sometimes without meaning to.  But it still worked out because I could go to my next steps, which were blogging, podcasting, and being on Youtube.

Back to getting social and twitter.  Unlike Facebook or Google+ or many other social networks, twitter is built for people to know people, quickly and without worry.  To socialize with people at a safe distance, yet have comfortable conversations with strangers.  You know that cashier that you talk to almost every time you go to the store?  The one that likes horror movies, has kids, asks about your day, leaves you with a joke?  That's twitter.  But it's much more.  I've met people that have helped me promote my site, gotten celebrity guest because of it, connected with black and non-black geeks that I would never have met any other way.  In fact, because of a conversation I had on twitter, I came up with this site as part of the next gap to fill for the black geek community.

I kept reading tweets about geeks who were black and didn't know that there were whole communities out there that they could connect with.  I referred to them in a post on my other blog as 'Islands of Afro-Awkwardness floating in the caucazoid sea of geekdom.'   They were geeks and could hang with fellow geeks, but didn't find that added cultural aspect to share over.

So here we are with BLACK GEEKS MEET, one answer to the call of 'Where are all the Black Geeks At?'  And this isn't the only answer, nor the first by far.  There are plenty of communities that are social gathering places for black geeks and nerds.  My online friends and fellow bloggers Black Girl Nerds and The Black Geeks, or Black Science Fiction Society were answering the call well before this site.  But the mission is specific - help black geeks know about each other, get out of their shell, find a virtual geek home, and give a platform to network and encourage each other.  Maybe BGM will become a full networking site, maybe even a place to find a geek date that likes sweet potato pie.  Personally, I hope it is able to help in all of those categories.  There is nothing as refreshing (socially) as seeing Black men and women connecting on different levels at once - culturally and intellectually while getting their Nerd on!  I love a good Nerdy conversation.

So let's get social and see where it takes us all in life!